Un-synchronized Harmonies

Yes, I'm a weird person. An eternal cynic. A pessisimistic idiot who cannot believe a carrot claiming to truly being a carrot. So people ask me what happened to me. They believe that in the angel-demon theory. I don't. A person may display qualities of both but the two of them cannot inhabit one entity. I am not a demon and I am not an angel. I am a fallen one. I fell from either side and so far, none have claimed their alliegance. People ask me, the believers as I said, ask me what went wrong. What happened to me that made so unwilling to follow, to have faith and maybe, just once in a while believe with my heart and not with reason. To this, I have no answer. Maybe I was born this way. I reason and rationalize my thoughts and feelings. I have an answer to all my dilemmas. I can reason out every emotion but I cannot fathom why I don't believe. Maybe it's a dysfunctionality. I don't understand it myself and for a control freak like me, that  is the biggest cha...

You've hurt me a lot. Far more than you think you could've. Your words, your disdain, your disapproval- they've broken me even when I'm at my best. You've taken everything from me by just a condescending look or distasteful comment. You've beat me down. But it is my fault for being so gullible to you- just you, no one else. Gullible to believe you when you say something nice to me or appreciate my work. Gullible enough to think you want the world for me too. Truth is you want the world for only yourself and the rest for me. You may not know it and I may be stupid enough to fall for your manner every single time but I will never forgive you. Especially for these last two years. They've been torture for my pride. I have two more years to go for this torment and then I'll be gone. At least I hope so.  Because if I don't, then I'll break for real. And I'll be gone forever. For real. But that won't be on you, it'll be on me. Just me. ...

So as I've said before, I am a control freak and one of the worst things about being a control freak is that contemplation means crisis to us. Not knowing what is going to happen, not being able to do anything about it makes us wanna time-zoom into the future and figure it all out. So that we can be prepared for all that's going to be thrown at us. And of course, mixed with my constant cynicism, contemplation is not my best fitting suit.  What to do, what not to do- the eternal conflict. Whether to go away or stay and try? Do I fix things or let them be and hope? Do I give myself another chance or do I pick up and start afresh? Do I pick old friends or new hopes for them? Do I let myself live freely and leave the future or believe in my self-worth and work for the unseeming dream, dropping the value of the present? What should I believe? Contemplation brings me down. It keeps my mind screaming at me and my heart in constant doubt. Being a control freak- not knowing what I ...