You've hurt me a lot. Far more than you think you could've. Your words, your disdain, your disapproval- they've broken me even when I'm at my best. You've taken everything from me by just a condescending look or distasteful comment. You've beat me down.
But it is my fault for being so gullible to you- just you, no one else. Gullible to believe you when you say something nice to me or appreciate my work. Gullible enough to think you want the world for me too. Truth is you want the world for only yourself and the rest for me.
You may not know it and I may be stupid enough to fall for your manner every single time but I will never forgive you. Especially for these last two years. They've been torture for my pride. I have two more years to go for this torment and then I'll be gone. At least I hope so. Because if I don't, then I'll break for real. And I'll be gone forever. For real. But that won't be on you, it'll be on me. Just me. My foolishness and my own discontent. My dream of having you be proud of me. Proud of who I am and what I have achieved, despite your own achievements. Not second-tier to your achievements.
All these years I've almost killed myself so many times to please you. Or in the hope of pleasing you. Your words hurt me every time you disregard me. They make me bleed. Or make me want to bleed.
Every time I save myself just in time to survive, in the hope of finding my escape after two more years. I save myself so I can survive long enough to escape. So don't take that route from me. Maybe I won't want to be saved then. I will not be sorry. I'll simply be gone. And it won't be on you. It'll be on Hope.
I grew tired of hiding. They said that part of my problem is hiding it all inside me. So I decided to let it out. Post all the drafts sitting in my dashboard because they felt too personal to declare. I've decided to let it all out here. Where they are all safe. So this can be my haven.
Distraught,
K.
But it is my fault for being so gullible to you- just you, no one else. Gullible to believe you when you say something nice to me or appreciate my work. Gullible enough to think you want the world for me too. Truth is you want the world for only yourself and the rest for me.
You may not know it and I may be stupid enough to fall for your manner every single time but I will never forgive you. Especially for these last two years. They've been torture for my pride. I have two more years to go for this torment and then I'll be gone. At least I hope so. Because if I don't, then I'll break for real. And I'll be gone forever. For real. But that won't be on you, it'll be on me. Just me. My foolishness and my own discontent. My dream of having you be proud of me. Proud of who I am and what I have achieved, despite your own achievements. Not second-tier to your achievements.
All these years I've almost killed myself so many times to please you. Or in the hope of pleasing you. Your words hurt me every time you disregard me. They make me bleed. Or make me want to bleed.
Every time I save myself just in time to survive, in the hope of finding my escape after two more years. I save myself so I can survive long enough to escape. So don't take that route from me. Maybe I won't want to be saved then. I will not be sorry. I'll simply be gone. And it won't be on you. It'll be on Hope.
I grew tired of hiding. They said that part of my problem is hiding it all inside me. So I decided to let it out. Post all the drafts sitting in my dashboard because they felt too personal to declare. I've decided to let it all out here. Where they are all safe. So this can be my haven.
Distraught,
K.
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