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Hidden letters : Issues

Yes, I'm a weird person. An eternal cynic. A pessisimistic idiot who cannot believe a carrot claiming to truly being a carrot.
So people ask me what happened to me. They believe that in the angel-demon theory.
I don't. A person may display qualities of both but the two of them cannot inhabit one entity. I am not a demon and I am not an angel. I am a fallen one. I fell from either side and so far, none have claimed their alliegance.
People ask me, the believers as I said, ask me what went wrong. What happened to me that made so unwilling to follow, to have faith and maybe, just once in a while believe with my heart and not with reason.
To this, I have no answer. Maybe I was born this way. I reason and rationalize my thoughts and feelings. I have an answer to all my dilemmas. I can reason out every emotion
but I cannot fathom why I don't believe. Maybe it's a dysfunctionality. I don't understand it myself and for a control freak like me, that  is the biggest challenge.  To be blinded by the world is something but your own self- that's untolerable. As I said, I am control freak. I may lose out on the world, that won't bother me as such but to lose out on my own intricacies, that is just not right with me.
To be honest, there is nothing. there is no tragic history that has bent me this way. No incident as such that could have made me so doubting. You may see, I havent used the word 'trust' this entire time. That's because trust requires a certain amount of hope and I honestly do not agree with hope. I believe in action and consequences. not mind maps. They just spin you out of place and out of focus. and that, a control freak like me just cannot have.

A control freak like me who cannot trust possibilities. I need closure and assurance. Clarity. And then I can trust. Till then, a control freak like me, just hangs through the middle.
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